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Helping Friends Who Are Mourning a Loss By Larry Kaufman, M.S., LMFT Sue, a 79-year-old widow, came home from shopping to find the front door of her house smashed in by a burglar. As upsetting as this was, she had another terrible surprise awaiting her. Her cherished parrot Petey - her companion for nearly 40 years - was missing from his opened cage. "I'm surprised I didn't have a heart attack right on the spot!" she remembered, with anguish in her voice. How would you go about trying to help Sue? When people think of pet loss they usually think of an animal dying. But there are many different types of loss and no matter how the loss occurs, the guardians of these pets often have intense reactions as a result. They may experience distress, anxiety, guilt, depression, sadness, loneliness, and other unpleasant feelings for quite some time after. How you talk to them about their feelings and reactions can make an important difference in their lives. Some people do not take pet loss seriously. They think people are silly for grieving over a pet. They are quick to tell you to get on with your life and get another animal. They cannot understand how you can become so attached to a dog, cat, bird, or other pet. Out of fear of being put down or ridiculed, many animal lovers keep their strong feelings of attachment to their pets - and their grief in relation to them - to themselves. They are then left alone with their upsetting feelings of bereavement. This is not healthy. As a pet loss counselor, I am frequently asked by concerned people what to say to bereaved pet "owners." Most people who have had an animal companion die - or have lost their valued relationship in some other way - appreciate these responses: Adopt an attitude that conveys that you are taking the distressing experience of the mourner seriously. Listen and speak with empathy, understanding, support, sensitivity and compassion. Show interest by asking the mourner about the circumstances of the pet's death/loss. Convey that you welcome hearing the stories of his/her fond memories of her/his animal friend. Ask how the pet got his or her name, and encourage the mourner to tell you how the pet became a member of the family. Refrain from asking if the mourner is planning on getting another pet, or suggesting where such a pet might be bought. A pet owner might feel offended by this - despite your good intentions in asking. Avoid the use of clichés - such as telling the mourner that time heals all wounds, or reassuring them that they will soon "get over it." Send the mourner a condolence card - one specifically made for pet loss, if you can find one and if it seems appropriate. Writing a thoughtful line or two (or more) on the card, in your own words, will probably be very much appreciated. Write down the dates that are important to the bereaved pet owner, like the dates of the pet's death, birth, adoption, etc. Consider sending a follow-up note, e-mail, or card, or making a telephone call to the mourner in remembrance of these special days. Send a donation, in honor of the deceased or lost pet, to an animal-related organization (such as a humane society, animal shelter, or one devoted to improving the health of animals through medical research). After a few weeks or months, follow up by asking the bereaved individual how she or he is doing in his/her mourning process over the loss of her/his pet. (Use the pet's name and correct gender). Be cautious about making assumptions on how you think the mourner might be feeling and reacting. Realize that the mourning process, as with people's responses to the death of human loved ones, can be multi-layered and highly complex. Keep in mind that everyone is unique, with her/his own needs and preferences. Good judgment is essential in dealing with people in such a vulnerable state. Encourage the mourner to talk to a professional if their grief is prolonged or especially intense. Psychotherapists who specialize in pet loss counseling provide a supportive, compassionate, and knowledgeable presence to anyone grieving the loss of a pet. In addition, a new resource is now available to pet owners who have been deprived of the company of their cherished animal friends from the international Animal Love and Loss Network (ALLN). Pet loss support is now available, without charge, through on-line chat rooms at www.alln.org. Larry Kaufman is a professional pet loss counselor and psychotherapist on the staff of the Samaritan Counseling Centers. The Centers have offices in Palm Beach and Broward Counties. He is the president of the Animal Love and Loss Network. Larry is the founder and past president of the Palm Beach County Florida Chapter of the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC), and is the chairperson of international ADEC's Pet Loss Special Interest Group. Phone: (561) 272-6322, Ext. 320 in South Palm Beach County, (561) 832-7788, Ext. 320 in North Palm Beach County, or (954) 463-6447, Ext. 320 in Broward County. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Suggestions for Coping with Pet Loss Take care of your body. The body is the container of the mind which is now feeling intense emotion. Nurturing it in the following ways will ease your grieving process. *Nutrition: eat healthy meals even if your appetite is reduced. *Sleep: be sure to get at least 5-8 hours daily, no more, no less. *Exercise: even walking will help your mood in this difficult time. Talk to people who can empathize with your grief. Consistent interaction and sharing with those you feel comfortable around will be most beneficial. Maintain structure in your life by continuing to do the activities you did before the loss, with the exception of those you did with or for your pet. Do not allow this major disruption to snowball into every aspect of your life. Structure will help your regain your bearings. Perform a ritual when you feel the time is right. Some have funerals at a pet cemetery or memorials with friends and family. Others may create a small shrine for a brief time. Allow yourself to feel sadness and loss. Grief is a normal response to a normal occurrence, yet each person goes through it differently. If you feel as though you cannot recover, or it you have thoughts of self-harm, contact a mental health professional immediately. The above was written by Dr. Matt Zimmerman, a licensed psychologist practicing in Pembroke Pines, FL. He provides grief counseling and facilitates a Pet Loss and Grieving Support Group at the Broward County Humane Society. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Pet Loss Discussion Group: Sharing and Caring Anyone who has had a pet for any length of time knows how painful it is when that beloved pet reaches the end of his or her time here with us. We are often left with questions, anger, guilt, or an overwhelming sense of loss that we are sometimes unable to cope with. Very often, sharing these feelings with others who will understand is the first step toward healing. Discussing them and realizing we are not alone helps us find strength and solace. We begin the healing process which will allow us to cherish the memories of our pets and recall them with fondness. It allows the pain to start to diminish and gives us permission to continue to love and concentrate on those still with us. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Grief Management in Children The death of a cherished pet creates a sense of loss for adults and produces a predictable chain of emotions. The stages of grief are typically denial, sadness, depression, guilt, anger, and, finally, relief (or recovery). However, the effects on children vary widely depending upon the child's age and maturity level. The basis for their reaction is their ability to understand death. Two and Three Year Olds Children who are two or three years old typically have no understanding of death. They often consider it a form of sleep. They should be told that their pet has died and will not return. Common reactions to this include temporary loss of speech and generalized distress. The two or three year old should be reassured that the pet's failure to return is unrelated to anything the child may have said or done. Typically, a child in this age range will readily accept another pet in place of the dead one. Four, Five, and Six Year Olds Children in this age range have some understanding of death but in a way that relates to a continued existence. The pet may be considered to be living underground while continuing to eat, breathe, and play. Alternatively, it may be considered asleep. A return to life may be expected if the child views death as temporary. These children often feel that any anger they had for the pet may be responsible for its death. This view should be refuted because they may also translate this belief to the death of family members in the past. Some children also see death as contagious and begin to fear that their own death (or that of others) is imminent. They should be reassured that their death is not likely. Manifestations of grief often take the form of disturbances in bladder and bowel control, eating, and sleeping. This is best managed by parent-child discussions that allow the child to express feelings and concerns. Several brief discussions are generally more productive than one or two prolonged sessions. Seven, Eight, and Nine Year Olds The irreversibility of death becomes real to these children. They usually do not personalize death, thinking it cannot happen to themselves. However, some children may develop concerns about death of their parents. They may become very curious about death and its implications. Parents should be ready to respond frankly and honestly to questions that may arise. Several manifestations of grief may occur in these children, including the development of school problems, learning problems, antisocial behavior, hypochondriacal concerns, or aggression. Additionally, withdrawal, over attentiveness, or clinging behavior may be seen. Based on grief reactions to loss of parents or siblings, it is likely that the symptoms may not occur immediately but several weeks or months later. Ten and Eleven Year Olds Children in this age range generally understand death as natural, inevitable, and universal. Consequently, these children often react to death in a manner very similar to adults. Adolescents Although this age group also reacts similarly to adults, many adolescents may exhibit various forms of denial. This usually takes the form of a lack of emotional display. Consequently, these young people may be experiencing sincere grief without any outward manifestations. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Pet Loss Resources Helpful Reading For Children The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, By Judith Viorst A Special Place for Charlee, By Debby Morehead I'll Always Love You, by Hans Wilhelm For adults When Your Pet Dies: How to Cope With Your Feelings, by Jamie Quackenbush, MSW; and Denise Graveline A Final Act of Caring: Ending the Life of an Animal Friend, By Mary & Herb Montgomery Good-bye My Friend, by Mary & Herb Montgomery |
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